I recently spent a week visiting a friend who had experienced a devastating family crisis. In the days before the trip, I felt nervous, sad, and unsettled. All of those feelings were mine, not his. It was strange to be heading to see one of my best friends under the worst possible circumstances.
Being part of a support system is one of the most important and often challenging situations you can find yourself in. We all have our own circles of support, both at work and in our personal lives. These are the concentric rings of people who help you when you need it, and who you step up for when they need it. The whole system is built on reciprocal bonds that strengthen under stress and use, just like a muscle grows through tearing during exercise and regrowth in recovery.
The Framework: Three Kinds of Support
In our Emotional Intelligence workshops, I teach an exercise called "Getting and Giving Support," based on the work of author Natasha Josefowitz. She writes that we need three kinds of support in our lives:
A shoulder to cry on is someone you can be vulnerable with and share your pain, fears and frustrations.
A brain to pick is someone you trust and respect to give you helpful advice, guidance and coaching.
A kick in the pants comes from someone who will tell you the 100% truth even when it's hard to hear. They'll challenge you to do something about it.
On the flight to see my friend, I realized that both of us have played all three roles for each other throughout our long friendship. Over different seasons of our lives, we've been equal parts coach, confidante and counselor. Each role fitting the moment and the season.
Where the Real Work Happens
These people exist throughout our different circles. And sometimes we forget how crucial they are to our success.
In the exercise, we ask participants to fill out a simple table: Who do you GET each type of support from? Who do you GIVE it to? That's when the real insights emerge.
The challenge is often realizing when your roster is imbalanced. For example, you might discover that you play the role of "shoulder to cry on" for five people in your office, but you can't name a single person at work with whom you can be vulnerable. That's an imbalance that can lead to long-term stress and disengagement from your teammates.
Or maybe you have plenty of people who will empathize with you, but nobody willing to give you the kick in the pants you actually need.
Try This
Taking stock of your support networks, identifying gaps and imbalances, and working to maintain their strength is something we can all be more mindful of. Here are a few ways to start:
At work: Think about your five closest colleagues. Which of the three roles do they play for you? Which do you play for them? Where's the gap?
In your personal life: Look at your inner circle. Are you leaning too heavily on one person for all three types of support? Are you providing all three for someone else without receiving any of it back?
During a transition: If you've recently changed roles, companies, or cities, your support network may have shifted dramatically. The people who gave you a kick in the pants at your last job may not be accessible anymore. Who fills that role now?
Let's Talk About It
If you'd like to bring the full Emotional Intelligence workshop to your team, including this exercise and more, learn more here.
— Dave
Practice This Exercise On Your Own
(With AI as Your Coach)
I've created a free practice tool that walks you through the Getting and Giving Support exercise using AI as your coaching partner. It helps you map your support network, identify imbalances, and build a plan to strengthen the relationships that matter most.