My wife and I have a dinner table tradition. Every night when we sit down to eat together with our son, we ask each other: "What's your rose and thorn of today?" It's a chance to share out loud what the best part of that day was and what the worst part was.
We started this during COVID lockdown, when we were searching for some semblance of texture in our daily rhythms. Every day felt like a sanded-down version of the same experience over and over. Pausing to reflect on what made today different was a helpful sanity check. Even now, post-pandemic, the speed of our lives (work, family, parenting, self-preservation) necessitates a brief pause to reflect on what's working and what's not.
Recently, even our 2.5-year-old son has gotten into the action. His most common answer to "what's your rose and thorn?" is "going to school and coming home from school." I'm honestly not sure which is the rose and which is the thorn. But he likes to participate, and I'm always fascinated by his interpretation of what's going on at school. Last week we he told us one of his classmates pooped on a wall outside. My wife and I were floored. We asked about 100 follow up questions and are still dumbfounded. Why did he do that? What did the teachers think? We couldn't tell if our son thought this was hilarious or gross (probably both) but it was undeniably a dramatic moment for everyone at pre-school that day.
Hearing the highlights of my wife's day helps me get outside my own experience and remember what she cares most about. Sometimes it's a moment she shared with our son. Sometimes it's a particular moment in a yoga class she taught where she felt fully in flow. Or maybe that day's rose was a perfect bite of an Italian meat combo sandwich from her favorite deli. It's a way to remind myself what matters, what she cares about, and where we can connect on shared values.
Why "how are you doing?" doesn't work
Here's what's happening under the hood with Rose and Thorn: the question gives people a framework for sharing. It's not "how are you?" It's not "what's new?" Those questions are so broad that most of us default to "fine" or "busy." Rose and Thorn gives you two specific slots to fill. One good thing. One hard thing. That constraint is what makes the conversation real.
The same thing happens at work. I open most of my workshops with an exercise called Building Connections. It works on exactly the same principle as Rose and Thorn, but it's designed for colleagues, not family.
How Building Connections works
I ask people to pair off and discuss three questions of their choice with a partner. But the questions aren't random. They're organized into three columns that get progressively more personal:
Column A: Activities. Pick one and share your personal experience with it. Topics like: Hobbies, Sports, Books, Interests, Films, Music, Travel, Volunteering.
Column B: Principles. Finish the sentence and share with your partner. Prompts like: "A value I hold dearly is..." "A hope I have is..." "An accomplishment I'm proud of is..." "Curiosity drives me to..."
Column C: Challenges. Share something real. Prompts like: "A problem that has me stumped is..." "A fear that's holding me back is..." "What I'm beating myself up over is..."
Each partner takes a turn. You start with Activities, move to Principles, then end with Challenges. The questions get more personal as you go. You start by sharing something you find meaning in, then move to core values, then to sharing something vulnerable. And the key is that you choose which question to answer. No one is putting you on the spot. You're in control of how deep you go.
What happens next
The point of the exercise is to skip past surface-level "how are you?" and "how was your weekend?" and get right to sharing meaningful ideas, on your own terms. So often, after ten minutes, I'll bring people back together to discuss how it went and I'll hear: "I've been working with my partner for 10 years and I had no idea about..." It's permission to go deep in a safe and controlled way.
That's the same thing that happens around our dinner table. My son doesn't know how to answer "how was your day?" But he can tell me his rose and his thorn. And suddenly I know something real about his world.
Try this with your team
What questions would you like to share with your colleagues? What's a meaningful part of your life you'd find enjoyable to share with your coworkers?
Here are a few ways to start:
At the start of your next team meeting: Instead of "any updates?", ask everyone for their rose and thorn of the week. You'll be surprised what surfaces.
In a 1:1 with a direct report: Try one question from each column. Start with Activities to warm up, then go deeper. You'll learn more in 10 minutes than in months of status updates.
With a new team or cross-functional group: Use the full Building Connections exercise to skip past the awkward get-to-know-you phase and land on something real.
— Dave
Practice This Exercise On Your Own
(With AI as Your Coach)
I've put together a set of AI prompts that walk you through the Building Connections exercise solo. You'll identify what you'd share in each column, practice going deeper, and build your own set of connection questions customized for your workplace. It's free, and you can use it with any AI assistant.