Last Wednesday I spent the morning crying my eyes out. It was my son Milo's first day of pre-school and I was simply not emotionally prepared for the crush of feelings that moment would bring. Joy at the thought of him having the opportunity to be able to make new friends, learn new skills and experience a much bigger world. Fear at what might frustrate him or derail his progress. And most of all grief at letting go of the tiny little baby version of him that I had nurtured up until that point.
Two weeks prior to that first day of school, my wife had a miscarriage. We had joyously been celebrating the idea of bringing a new member into our family, and the loss was devastating. I was not emotionally prepared for the crush of feelings that moment brought. Fear at what might happen the next time, sadness at the loss of what could've been our fourth family member and also a bit of relief at knowing that so much of the work of her pregnancy and a newborn would be put off for the time being. But again, most of all, grief at letting go of a future version of our little team that I had been eagerly expecting.
Throughout both experiences, I found myself relying on three things:
Friends to talk to
Emotional tools to give context to my feelings of grief.
The foremost tool I used was something I teach all the time in my change workshops: The Change Curve. It gives words to the turbulent ups and downs of how humans process a loss:
The Change Curve
We start with shock, then anger then depression, and hopefully move into acceptance. I knew academically that the only thing that would get me through to the other side was time, but in the moment, being stuck at anger and sadness felt terrible! But getting to acceptance feels great. I knew I had made it out when my language changed - I stopped speaking in the past tense, and started dealing with the here and the now - the present.
Hopefully this is something you can take with you as you go through your own changes and losses. The move to acceptance takes time, and it follows a set pattern. The only way out is through.